confessing fears and insecurities

Confessing insecurities

This is such a healthy thing to do, especially in the midst of life transition. Not to mention it keeps our church communities in the practice of vulnerable sharing, and hopefully in the practice of respecting the vulnerability we see in others.
If something shakes our peace, it probably needs attention but so often we hide those burning, aching fears and insecurities like sticking a band-aid over a bruise: We solve the external part of these fears without examining the internal part. We save face, and then learn to tolerate inner anxieties.

This year and a half as house leader of Living Acts has stirred up many things. (This feeling of being stirred is uncomfortable yes, but never forget that it is better than being stagnant.) As part of Living Acts, suddenly my daily life becomes relevant to others in a way that it wasn't before. Even my spiritual life or my quanitity of voluntary service becomes something that isn't just between God and I. It's between God and I -- and those invested in the Living Acts program.
This makes me afraid.
Am I good enough?
Is Living Acts good enough?
Do I do enough?
Does Living Acts do enough?
Do we measure up to the expectations of those we respect and care about?

I am realizing that I am the kind of person who can take a mole-hill of pressure and feel it as though it's a mountain of pressure. So this has been hard for me and I've found myself questioning, "Is this kind of accountability really right and good?" I know that as Christians, we accept some sense of accountability when we enter a community of beleivers and decide to love one another. But what does this accountability look like? Does it look different for people in programs such as Living Acts than it might for someone who serves and represents Millersburg Mennonite in a different way?

I don't have answers to these questions. They've simply been stirring.

I love each one of my housemates and I feel good about each one's journey. We at Living Acts have accomplished a good deal of growth and interaction in this community, but... I hate how quickly and pointedly I state those things to outsiders: as though I am trying to prove the worth of our program. I must admit I have been more likely to tell another outsider the progress I see in my housemates than I have been to approach that housemate and simply give them encouragement for what they've done. This is partially a product of my own sin: my tendancy to wish for people to think highly of me and to make them proud and happy.

This is my confession.
No...THESE are my confessions:
(I love my church community dearly and they have loved me so well. These confessions are given with humilty to people I love, in hopes that I can offer an honest picture of myself to those who deserve it.)

1.) I'm afraid I felt pressure to make those who care about Living Acts proud of our accomplishments. I cared deeply about making others proud of us, and perhaps too deeply, allowing my focus to shift from doing good to proving goodness.
2.) I'm afraid because of this tendancy in me, I'm not a very apt leader...or at least not yet.
3.) I'm afraid our impact is still unclear.

These are humbling things to admit.

But I know I'm not alone.
I know that we all fall short.
But I also know that God does very good things through even our...shortness :).

I have seen God in you, Millersburg and Millersburg Mennonite.
I am exhausted of seeking God in myself or God in the works of my own hands.
(I spent too long doing that as a child of the introspective generation of myspacers, facebookers, and profile-making pro's!)

I would like to be still and know that God is God.
...and God is God no matter where we attempt to put Him, find Him, or reveal Him to others.

Millersburg is full of God, and full of oportunities to see Him. May we all seek him every which way, without attention to who notices our seeking or our serving.

May we pay closest attention to the things that delight and praise our God.